Whose Life Are You Trying to Live?

Realizing You Life Coach

One of the strange things about becoming an adult is how easy it is to build a life without ever deliberately deciding what you want that life to be.

We inherit ideas about success from our parents, schools, careers, friends and culture. We learn what a good job is supposed to look like, what kind of house means we are doing well, how much money we should want, what our relationships should look like and which accomplishments are supposed to make us proud.

None of those things are necessarily bad. The problem comes when we spend years pursuing them without stopping to ask a simple question: Is this actually what I want?

For much of my life, I did not ask that question. I was moving, but I was not particularly intentional about where I was going. After I became sober at forty, that began to change. I had to learn how to think about my life rather than simply move through it.

The Highway I Thought Was Life

I once described my earlier life to my mother as if I had gotten into a car, entered a highway and driven as fast as I could in one direction. That was what life felt like. Keep moving. Do what is in front of you. Find the easiest or fastest way through. Do not spend too much time wondering whether there is another route.

When I stopped drinking, it felt as though I suddenly noticed that the highway had exits. There were towns I could visit. There were other roads. There were different speed limits. I could change direction. I could stop. I could decide where I wanted to go instead of assuming the road I was already on was the only one available.

That realization was exciting, but it also created responsibility. Once you recognize that you have choices, it becomes harder to pretend that every part of your life simply happened to you.

What Do You Actually Want?

This sounds like an easy question. I do not think it is.

We are influenced by other people more than we realize. A parent may have a vision for our career. A spouse may have an idea of the life we should build together. A company may reward us for moving farther up a ladder we are not sure we want to climb. Social media provides an endless stream of people whose lives seem to be evidence that we should want more.

It becomes easy to confuse what looks successful with what feels meaningful.

I regularly ask myself whether my motivation is intrinsic or extrinsic. Am I doing this because I genuinely want the outcome, or because I want someone else to see me accomplish it? Would I still want it if nobody knew I had done it? Has the goal remained important to me, or am I continuing because I once announced that it was?

Those questions have changed some of my decisions.

Changing the Plan Can Be an Honest Decision

I spent years working in information technology and earned a number of technical certifications. I liked the IT world, but eventually I recognized something about myself. I was more interested in the management side than the technical side.

I liked seeing the larger picture. I liked organizing work, solving problems, coordinating people and figuring out how to move a project from where it was to where it needed to be. Project management fit the way I naturally think.

I could have treated changing direction as evidence that I had failed at the original plan. Instead, it became evidence that I had learned something about myself.

That distinction is important. I do not believe we should change course simply because something becomes difficult. Difficult work can produce some of our greatest growth. But continuing toward a destination you no longer want just because you once chose it is not discipline. Sometimes it is simply stubbornness.

The challenge is being honest enough with yourself to know the difference.

Your Goals Do Not Need to Impress Anyone

We also make the mistake of judging our goals by how they compare with other people’s goals.

There were periods during my drinking years when getting out of bed and taking a shower felt like an accomplishment. Someone looking at that from the outside might have considered it almost nothing. From where I was standing at the time, it could require nearly everything I had.

At other points in my life, the goals became degrees, certifications, career changes, relationships, fitness and building businesses. The scale changed because I changed.

That is why I do not believe a goal has to be large to be legitimate. It has to matter to the person pursuing it.

We cannot see the full reality of another person’s life, and we should be careful about using our circumstances as the standard against which their progress is measured. The same applies in reverse. Someone else’s extraordinary accomplishment does not make your next necessary step insignificant.

Success Needs Your Definition

For a long time, I connected success heavily to career. A good job mattered. Education mattered. Certifications mattered. I am proud of those things, but my definition of success has expanded.

I have met people who society might not consider particularly successful. They do not have impressive titles or large amounts of money. They have enough. They laugh easily. They care about people. They share what they have. They seem genuinely comfortable in their lives.

I have also watched someone begin to see that there can be life after addiction. Being present for even a small part of that change can feel more meaningful than many professional accomplishments.

So who gets to decide which success matters more?

I think the answer has to be personal.

You Are Allowed to Reevaluate

Living your own life does not mean ignoring everyone else’s needs. We have families, relationships, jobs and responsibilities. Our choices affect people. Being self-aware is not permission to become self-centered.

It does mean recognizing that a life built entirely around other people’s expectations eventually becomes difficult to call your own.

You are allowed to stop occasionally and ask whether the direction still fits.

Am I happy doing what I am doing? Does this still matter to me? Am I pursuing this for myself or for approval? What has changed since I originally made the decision? What would I choose today if I were starting from where I am now?

You may discover that you are exactly where you want to be.

You may also discover that an exit you never noticed before is coming up.

It Starts With Knowing Yourself

Realizing You, for me, begins with learning who you actually are rather than who you think you are supposed to be.

That process never completely ends. I am not the same person I was at forty, and I do not expect to be exactly the same person ten years from now. Experiences change us. Relationships change us. Successes and failures teach us things we could not have known beforehand.

The goal is not to create one permanent life plan and follow it without deviation.

The goal is to become self-aware enough to recognize what matters, honest enough to admit when something no longer does and responsible enough to make thoughtful decisions about what comes next.

It is your life.

That does not mean you get to control everything in it. It does mean you should have a meaningful voice in deciding how you live it.

Before you start chasing the next goal, it may be worth asking one question first: Whose life are you trying to live?

It starts with you.